A Purim Proposal
Countless Jews complain about the ineptitude of Israeli governments, whether headed by the Labor Party or the Likud. Hence the present writer, having made an exhaustive 20-year study of Israel and its Jewish politicians, and having examined the agendas of America’s leading Zionist organizations, hereby confidently offers the only possible solution to Israel’s decrepit and perilous state of affairs. I PROPOSE THAT THE PEOPLE OF ISRAEL HIRE GENTILES TO RUN THEIR GOVERNMENT!
Preposterous you say? But what can be more preposterous than the Jews who have been in charge if Israel’s Government, especially during the last twenty-three years? Would Gentiles surrender the Sinai with its Israeli-developed Alma oil fields, air bases, and 15 billion dollar infrastructure for what Anwar Sadat scornfully called a “piece of paper”? Of course not!
Would Gentiles relinquish their country’s heartland and holy places in Judea and Samaria to the world’s leading terrorist Yasir Arafat, who teaches Arab children to exalt suicide bombers? Ridiculous!
Would any Gentile Prime Minister give up the Golan Heights and its water reserves to a despot like Hafez Assad, who recently proclaimed he wants to see an Israeli funeral every day on Syrian television? Absurd!
Would Gentile Prime Ministers arm 50,000 Arab terrorists to provide for their country’s security? Nonsense!
Gentiles are not fools. Some may preach “love your enemy,” “turn the other cheek,” “resist not evil.” But only inane or deranged Jews practice these apolitical and suicidal precepts. Frankly, I never heard of a Gentile counterpart to Shimon Peres who has obviously succumbed to senile dementia. I’m well aware that Nero fiddled while Rome burned, but unlike Peres, Nero knew he was fiddling and that Rome was burning.
As for Israel’s diminutive Prime Minister Ehud Barak, his pastime is making a fool of himself. Hence the need for honest-to-goodness Gentiles to take over was never more pressing.
Actually, my proposal to hire Gentiles to run Israel’s Government is not original. It was suggested to me by a learned rabbi, who is a successful business man and who lived in Israel many years. He assured me that if Gentiles were hired to operate the Government of Israel, the country could relax and prosper beyond the fondest dreams of old-time Zionists. Let me explain.
With a Gentile Government in Jerusalem, anti-Semitism will cease and, with it, UN condemnations of Israel. With Gentiles in charge of the country, CNN and BBC will stop bashing Israel, and Thomas Friedman of the NEW YORK TIMES will be out of a job.
Further, with Gentiles running Israel’s Government, all foreign embassies will move from Tel Aviv to Jerusalem, with the US leading the pack. The Arab ambition to annihilate Israel will be a thing of the past. A genuine Middle East peace process will be concluded and without trampling on the White House lawn.
(By the way, once Gentiles take over the reigns of government in Israel, Shimon Peres will be retired from politics, and Jimmy Carville won’t have to commute to this country. Mazel Tov!)
Meanwhile, with Gentiles like Ross Perot and Steve Forbes in charge of the Government, capital investments in Israel by Jews and non-Jews alike will abound. A flat tax will be introduced and Jews will flock to the Land of Milk and Honey. In ten years the Galut will cease to exist, and Jews will fill the country.
As a consequence, while many Arab citizens of Israel will emigrate, many will convert to Judaism. (Of course they will insist on Halachic conversion.) Much the same may be said of the Palestinian Arabs, for with a Gentile Government in Jerusalem, Jewish towns and villages in Judea, Samaria, and Gaza will expand enormously.
Moreover, the conflict between secular and religious Jews will subside. After all, that conflict is very much a struggle for control of the Government. But with Gentiles at the helm, secular and religious Jews will have much less to fight about (especially after Shulamit Aloni and Naomi Hazan emigrate to San Francisco). Finally, given the birthrate of religious Jews, ISRAEL WILL SOON BECOPME A TRULY JEWISH STATE EFFICIENTLY RUN BY GENTILES.
There is one potential flaw in this entire proposal. Suppose Gentiles in charge of the Government decide to become Jews! That would be a tragedy of the first magnitude. Hence, Gentiles hired to operate Israel’s Government must first sign a solemn contract stipulating they will not convert to Judaism. HEAVEN FORFEND THAT JEWS SHOULD RESUME CONTROL OF THE JEWISH STATE!
A FREILICHE PURIM!
PS. You are cordially invited to attend a public lecture by Prof. Eidelberg at the Israel Center in Jerusalem on Thursday, March 23, at 8:30 p.m. Topic: “The Peace Process and Its Critics.” The lecture will reveal not only why the critics – all honor to them – have failed to have any discernible impact on Israel’s insane and suicidal land-for-peace policy, but how to restore Israel to sanity and safety. Those attending the lecture will have an opportunity to purchase, at reduced price, Prof. Eidelberg’s latest book, JEWISH STATESMANSHIP: LEST ISRAEL FALL. Bring your friends for a unique lecture!
