The Foundation for Constitutional Democracy

21-Nov-2008

Mushrooms

Filed under: PoliticiansHumor — eidelberg @ 5:58 am

Molecular biologists contend that man is descended from mushrooms. Believe it. Some mushrooms have evolved into politicians. They flourish in Israel. Ever seen such bland politicians?

Because mushrooms lack chlorophyll, they’re destitute of color, and, like Israeli prime ministers, they crumble under the slightest pressure.

Mushrooms, of course, are fungi, and many reproduce by asexual means. That’s pretty much the case of Israeli politicians: Israel’s system of proportional representation produces an abundance of sterile politicians.

Some mushrooms are deadly. They’re called “toadstools.” A weird assortment of such fungi populated Israel’s Knesset. The head of the Knesset’s most numerous fungi forms Israel’s cabinet.

Like a toadstool, with its umbrella-shaped cap, the cabinet caps the most ill-assorted fungi. Prime Minister Ehud Olmert has been classified as coprinus comatus, the Latin designation of a Horsetail Mushroom.

As for Israel’s President, Shimon Peres, he’s been classified as primus peresitis. Incidentally, Peres is the one mushroom or toadstool that almost succeeded in reproducing himself in Yossi Beilin, who is retiring from politics.

Now, as every housewife knows, poisonous as well as eatable mushrooms (boletus edulis) grow in dark and dingy places and require no cultivation. Also—and this will remind the reader of Israel’s political elites—mushrooms have no roots but swelled heads. Of course, their heads are vacuous.

It’s laughable when sterile, mushroomed Israeli politicians engage in diplomatic intercourse with Arabs, the most prolific race on earth. Arabs are not fluff balls. Their roots go deep. Poisonous or otherwise, they are not bloodless. Indeed, they exult in blood, which is why the knife has ever been a symbol of Arab manliness.

Juxtapose anemic politicians like Olmert and Peres. These political mushrooms seek only “peace,” meaning comfortable self-preservation.

Another aspect of mushrooms is their randomness. As any honest political scientist knows, randomness is a basic characteristic of democratic societies. The chance aggregation of individuals, each pursuing his own interests, is the hallmark of democracy. Which means that democracies tend to produce random men—human mushrooms. Democracies therefore worship change. Enter Barack Obama.

Like Obama, Israel’s political elites oppose tradition. Education Minister Yuli Tamir wants to transform Israel into “a state of its citizens,” i.e., a multicultural mushroom society. Public school curriculums have been revised to encourage children to eat mushrooms. Eateries featuring mushroom-topped pizzas may soon receive special tax breaks and even subsidies. Nor is this all.

Israel’s media portray Arab rulers as mushroom-lovers differing not at all from their Jewish counterparts. Prompted by Shimon Peres, the Ministry of Agriculture has shipped five hundred tons of mushrooms to Mahmoud Abbas as a goodwill gesture prior to releasing 500 Arab terrorists. Abbas promptly distributed these mushrooms to Arabs suffering from malnutrition.

Inspired by multicultural mushrooms like Olmert, Livni, and Yuli Tamir, the government introduced a bill in the Knesset to replace the Star of David in Israel’s flag with a mushroom! In the ensuing parliamentary debate, the color of the mushroom became the focus of controversy. If white, the mushroom would require a colored background. Livni proposed a pink mushroom. “We do need some color,” she exclaimed. “Besides, pink will endear Israel to the Socialist International.”

Yuli Tamir objected. She preferred a gray mushroom on a grey background. “After all,” she pontificated, “since we are trying to blend into the Arab world, we must teach Israeli youth not to make black-and-white distinctions.”

The moral of this story is that the enemy doesn’t need nuclear weapons for Israel to disappear in a mushroom cloud.